The M Word
by i.paint.the.sky
Summary: Lily writes a letter to Severus, starting in their fifth year and continuing for several years.


:[A/N: Alright, wow. It's been ages since I did anything Harry Potter related. Actually, it's been two years…the last thing I wrote was just after Half-blood Prince came out. So it's only fitting that Deathly Hallows brings me back.

Obviously we have spoilers here, so don't read unless A) you already know what happens or B) you don't mind being spoiled by my fic (I wouldn't suggest going for this one however, canon is better)

* * *

The M-Word

_Dear Severus,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this. I just left you by the Fat Lady's portrait, in what was a perfectly horrid ending to what may very well be the worst day of my life. And I'm still so angry that I could scream at you all day and still not be satisfied._

_But I won't. I'm better than that. Even if I am a filthy little Mudblood._

_So maybe that's why I felt the need to pick up a quill and paper. I need some place to tell you off without causing yet another scene._

_How did we get here, Severus? I don't know what went so bloody wrong that the thought of seeing you tomorrow, and every other day, makes me feel sick._

_We've both changed so much since we came to Hogwarts. But until today, I hadn't really noticed how much. No, that's not right. I didn't **want **to realize it. Everyone else saw it and told me so, but I made myself blind for you. You were my best friend. I loved you._

_And now…words cannot express how much I despise this person you've become._

* * *

Lily sat at the Gryffindor table, staring at her food and nothing but her food. She knew he was watching her. She knew he would take any opportunity she gave him to approach her. 

She knew she wouldn't give him anything.

The girls around her were watching her too, waiting to see what would happen. Down the table, she could hear James Potter going on about something or other. Quidditch, most likely. It was always Quidditch with Potter.

Potter. Yes, that would do it, wouldn't it?

Grabbing her plate, Lily stood up and moved down the table until she was standing right behind Sirius Black.

"Is this seat taken?"

* * *

_It's been a few days now and I still feel the same. Maybe it's true what they say redheads. Or what they say about women scorned. _

_I don't know if I'm ever going to send this letter to you. I doubt it. It's really is more about me than you and it's the only way I can stand to deal with things right now. Maybe one day, things might change. _

_Right now, I wouldn't hold my breath._

* * *

She'd never really been a big fan of Quidditch. It was an interesting game at first, but the more she thought about it, the more unbalanced it seemed. The idea that the Seeker could hold so much power over the game just made no sense. What was the point of the other players? Sure, sometimes the team that caught the Snitch didn't win, but those matches were few and far between. But today, despite that, her**e** she was in the stands, watching a game. Gryffindor versus Slytherin, the most classic Hogwarts rivalry. 

For safety's sake, she had scanned the other stands. He wasn't here. That didn't surprise her and it certainly relieved her. Her plan was working so far: stay close to the so-called Marauders and Snape would stay far away.

She hadn't known if she would be able to stand it, at first. She had never liked Potter and his ilk. But she'd discovered that there was a bit more to them than just bullying and arrogance. Maybe, just maybe, she could actually come to like some of them. Lupin, at least, had a good head on his shoulders, though he often was missing a backbone.

The students around her suddenly started to cheer. She looked up to see James, the Snitch firmly in his hand. Belatedly, she began to clap and whoop, just like everyone else.

* * *

_I think the anger is beginning to slip away now. Instead of being mad at you, I'm just sad. Sad that one of the dearest friends I ever had is gone, perhaps forever. Sad that you let your childhood define you instead of rising above it. And most of all, I'm sad that you probably don't even realize that that's what you've done._

_You could have been so much more. I'll always believe that._

* * *

It was hard to believe how much had changed in just two years. Back then, she'd been anxiously studying for her OWLs. Now, she had completed her NEWTS and was ready to leave Hogwarts behind forever. It was a terrifying thought. She'd been so happy here. Yes, there were times when it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but she loved this school. 

She looked beside her at James, whose hand was firmly grasped in hers. That was the biggest change. Two years ago, she couldn't stand this boy. Now, she loved this man and she was going to marry him. He had finally grown up and was now a far cry from the "arrogant toerag" she'd once thought of him as.

Almost unconsciously, her gaze drifted towards the Slytherins. The darkest she had felt growing around them for so many years had become so strong, so deep. It scared her. They scared her.

Just for a moment, she looked at Severus. She wasn't surprised to see him looking back. Lily watched him for a few seconds before looking away.

She had to blink a few times before she could look ahead at the Headmaster again without any tears in her eyes.

* * *

_I'm getting married in a couple hours. I don't know why I thought to pull this old thing out. I haven't looked at it in years. I don't even know why I kept it._

_Severus, I know you never liked James and I'm not going to try to win you over in this letter I'll never send. I don't need to win you over; the time when I had to justify myself and my decisions to you is long gone. _

_Still, I do miss you. I wonder what it is you're doing right now, out in the big scary world. _

_I hope that whatever it is you are happy. I still don't know if I can forgive what you did, but I still do want the best for you._

* * *

Lily looked out her bedroom window, at the sleepy little town of Godric's Hollow. It was so beautiful, drenched in all the colours of autumn. She could only imagine what things would look like in winter, for Christmas. 

As far as places to be in hiding went, this one was nice to be in. It was warm and cozy, not to mention safe. It was the perfect place for her and her family. Lily smiled at the sound of Harry and James coming from downstairs. James was such a good father and Harry…Harry was perfect.

On most nights, she would have been down there with them, but tonight something had brought her here instead. A random thought that crossed her mind and refused to leave it.

She had never shown this piece of paper to anyone: not James, not Sirius, and certainly not its intended recipient. But for whatever reason, tonight she intended to change that. Sitting down at the writing desk in the corner, Lily picked up her quill and once again, began to write.

* * *

_It's been a long time since I last wrote here. It's been even longer since I last saw you. Not since that last day at Hogwarts._

_Voldemort is after us, but you probably know that. I don't want to think about you being one of them, of you chasing us and fighting us and trying so hard to kill us, but it's impossible not to. Still, I suppose I cling to some hope for the young boy who told me what magic was._

_I've talked many times about whether or not I would send this. I never thought I would until tonight, when I thought of the letter once again. I've been holding on to it for so long, but now I believe it's time to send it into the world._

_Will it have any effect now, after so many years? Only you can answer that. _

_I know people can change. I've seen you do it, I've seen James do it, and I've seen it most of all in myself. And this belief means that I can still have faith in the part of you that is good. I know it's there. And I'm sorry if my actions have helped bury it in any way._

_I know about your feelings for me. That they ran deeper than friendship. That's another thing I tried to ignore, because I didn't feel the same. Oh, I loved you, as I said before, but not in that way. You were my dearest friend in the world, but nothing more than that. _

_I'm rambling now, but there's so much I've wanted to say and never realized it. I hope that when this mess is over, I might get a chance to say it in person. It's taken a long time, but I believe I can now forgive you for the most devastating betrayal of my life. I want to forgive you and try to reclaim some of what we once had. I have no illusions that all will be as it was though. New issues will replace the old, but I believe that it's worth it to face them. I believe that you're worth it._

_Tonight is All Hallows Eve. Do you remember the fun we had this night at Hogwarts? It was always one of my favourites. But you already know that._

_Tomorrow, if I'm still feeling brave, I'll send this letter to you, finally. I hope that you'll reply._

_All my love, because even now you still have it,_

_Lily_

* * *


End file.
